What is Step-Parenting?

When I became a stepmom I had no other children. It was baptism by fire, in front of a husband who had been a dad for six years already and his ex-wife, who eventually felt threatened by my presence... an incredibly common feeling in blended families.

In fact, after a stressful time in our lives my husband and I went through a nine-month separation and one of the various reasons I agreed to repair our marriage was because I had witnessed what happens to parents when families disintegrate. I did not want to walk that path and feel that concern for my own identity as my child's parent.

When I first became a stepmom at 29, though, I learned very quickly that my main goal was to make sure my stepchild had what she needed when in our home and in our combined care: reliable medical care, school supplies, a solid routine when she was at our home, lots of access to her family on both sides, regular trips to our local library, regular involvement at church, etc. It was basic stuff, in my mind.

But that's when the drama began. We parents are all so very, very different. Our approaches differ, our feelings and identities differ, our goals and thoughts and working differ, our fundamental understandings of children differ.

When marriages that produced children end, the lives of those children change irrevocably. They do their best to move forward, and I could see my stepdaughter attempting to do that, so I resolved I would do my best as well. I promised myself that I would be there for my stepdaughter in whatever way she needed me, and over the course of a few years I began to care much more about her needs and feelings and development than I cared about her biological mother's concern over her threatened identity. That sounds harsh, but I poured my heart into creating a friendly and respectful relationship with her for several years, but ultimately witnessed damage being done to my stepdaughter.

In a perfect world, all of the parents in a blended family are self-aware and know their own value to their child. But we all suffer from doubts. The best we can do is to be aware of ourselves and others.

Here are some fundamental rules I grew to embrace in my journey as part of a blended family:

1. Show respect for the articulated viewpoints and concern of all parents who are actively involved.
   
2. Don't get hung up on titles or labels. Let it go. Don't worry too much if you are referred to by first name instead of a pet name by your stepchild. What matters is the relationship you build over the course of years, not what they call you while you are building that relationship.
   
3. Learn the basics of non-violent communication. Knowing how to communicate calmly and without excessive emotion will shape your more intense moments and result in a more meaningful resolution or understanding.
   
4. Concern for the child trumps all other rules. If there is a danger to your stepchild, it is your responsibility to act.

Following these guidelines provides a feeling of being ready or being equipped to be an effective and loving parent. Modeling care for others is a vital part of being a parent.